frances : observations. hopes. musings. updates. occasional epiphanies.

dear sister

i'm sorry

for cutting your ponytail with the kiddie scissors
for punching you in the chest 
for cutting up your menudo tape because you wouldn't let me borrow your markers
for planting that balloon over your head with the clown face inserted in it while you were sleeping so you'd wake up and get scared
for doing that thing where i scratch my wrist in your face bc i know it makes you freak out bc you have that weird itchy wrist condition 

for that period of time we weren't as close as we were and are

for almost 20 years of boy-induced late night tear filled phone calls
for almost being the third family member you might have had to mourn

you have been at times my reason for living
for not giving up
for being the best person i can be
for wanting to be a better person. sister. aunt.

you are my best living model of earthly grace now that She is gone
you are my biggest fan now that He is gone
you are the moon to me

i love you to infinity

attachment is transient

the objects of our attachment are transient. lasting only a short time. 

and my entire life, i've always worried about down the road. when i was little, i used to pray that i'd pass away before my parents. when i was five or so. because i didn't want to deal with losing them. and now to this day. my problems always deal with some sense of feared loss. and whether it happens because i've caused it, or if it just happens because it just wasn't meant to be — i have issues that are less transient due to the very transient nature of life.

my goal from here on out is to revere how short life is. revere. respect. and just accept it. enjoy the moment. whether it will last or not. as my favorite kerouac character said in my favorite book, don't worry about how you'll get there, wherever there is, enjoy the ride (totally and horribly paraphrased in a way that doesn't give the real attitude of his statement justice). i wrote that down when i was 16. and it comes back to me almost three or four times a year.

the four noble truths say life is suffering and the end of that suffering is to disattach. but in doing so, i can realize the true value of everything.  

 

eternally owned is that which is lost

what you lose always lingers. it stays with you forever. 

this was a passage written in a journal. one of the many scattered journals i have laying around my house. one of the journals that seem like they should have been there. that very moment that i picked it up. something in there was so relevant to today. like i was writing to my future self. 

dear today frances. don't forget. but let go. you are here. and you are good. love, yesterday frances.

i dreamed a little dream

i had a dream last night that involved my old apartment. the one i grew up in. 

the old dusty hallway to the bathroom. my bedroom with the sliding mirror and sliding patio door. how it looked like in the dark with the light from outside illuminating things in a hazy way just perfect for memories like this. how it looked when the door would open and my mom or dad would peek in to visit me. cautiously. because they never wanted to disturb me. make me upset. they tiptoed around me. 

i was on the bridge between building one and two of 11460. i was in the stairwell that had the trash chute and led to the back pool. i let someone in the front door after buzzing them in. i was in the hallway of the second floor apartments. it was all there. all so clear.

i saw my mom and dad in that dream. i can't remember our conversation. but they were there. i haven't had a dream about them for over a year.  

i think i'm going to get a tattoo with a yellow rose and a dove for my mom's 5 year anniversary.

32. new job. bright outlook.

so the last two months have been a bit of a whirlwind. it's now october, and i am in a new job, that i absolutely love. last month, i got two job offers on the same day. with both places raving about my work and what i do. 

a few freelance gigs have also boosted my ego. one for an old boss. and another a recommendation from a photographer friend — who said i was awesome. i like to hear that. it makes all the hard work i've put in during the last ten years more than worth it.

and this year, i finally got into communication arts. i feel like my mom and dad would be very proud of me. 

and on top of all the design love, i'm calm. i've got some money and house issues that need to be taken care of, but i'm not overly anxious about them. i know they'll get taken care of. that i will be fine. 

 

past email wordplay

some nice banter circa long ass time ago.back when people actually exchanged more than a few sentences. damn you AOL. damn you.

75206 isn't bad. it's not like 75219 (oak lawn) or 75204 (where i'm at) but 75206 does have the village, greenville, and parts of lakewood. but it really doesn't matter where you go. it's usually the people with you that are scary or not. or whether or not you choose to be scared. 

balance is good. so is coordination. both of which i have a week full of both, and then another week where everything's up in the air. 

mine's less like the domino theory - but more like that theory that corresponds with a passing train. what's that called? - the one that describes sound where it grows increasingly louder and when it gets to you it's really loud and then fades away again? that's more me. i'll be slightly happy, and it'll grow for some reason until i'm incredibly happy and then it just kinda subsides. like the sound of the train. i wish it was more balanced and consistent, but hey. i'm the girl that falls into gutters.

yeah, speak and spell would be a funny way to have a conversation. because it'd be someone saying a word or sentence and the other one trying to spell what the other one just said. that'd just be crazy weird.

A response from ME to:

From: AT to ME

Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2003 15:35:09 -0500

Subject: RE: Moving again

I was also initially thinking etch a sketch, but then I couldn't quite figure out why that would make me more comfortable or how it was like e-mails. I've never tried to etch a sketch while drinking but I could see how it would add a definite challenge. Growing up the challenge was to stay away from my brother long enough to actually draw something. For some reason we both enjoyed messing up the others drawing more than creating one. I would bet that's fairly common between brothers. 

The other day I was looking around while walking down the side walk and bumped into a pole. I really didn't appreciate what was in front of me then. The rest of the people in the group found it entertaining. I think I'm pretty happy with a lot of things in my life, but there are things that I'd change, and a lot of those things I think will change in succession based off the previous change. The  whole domino theory. I don't think I can really force those changes though, and they will just work out with time. Other things will change later just because you're tired of certain them. To much of any thing can ruin it. In my mind it's all about balance, you get a good balance and you'll be a happy camper. 

I just moved back into 75206, should I be scared?

which was a response to:

From: ME to AT

Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 2:48 PM

Subject: Re: Moving again

awesome. speak and spells are hard. especially if you're trying to write real words and people keep shaking you. also hard, too is if you're drinking. and then if the condensation from your drink keeps dripping on the "screen". wait. i've got speak and spells and those things you draw with confused. i meant etch a sketch.  

your mick's is like cheers. it;s good to have a routine place to go. it's like you're grounded. you don't seem to be the kind of person who;s always searching for change - which leads me to think that you're happy enough with where you are - a lot of people i know are always looking for something different, which isn't necessarily good - cuz when you're always looking around - you don't appreciate what's in front of you.

that's my psychological enlightenment for today. you can tell me if it's bs.

which was a response to:

From: AT to ME

Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2003 14:38:36 -0500

Subject: RE: Moving again

Thursday's I do pretty much the same thing every week. Which is Mick's. I know I kind of have my routine, but I don't mind, it fits into my schedule well. Anyone is welcome to join us there.

Sat. I'm up for meeting you out. Just keep me posted.

Friday I'm not so sure, I kind of just want to spend a night in the new place. Tonight I still have the last little bit of moving to do. Then tomorrow is clean up the old place. Wednesday 'm going to go see The Blue Man Group out at Next Stage, Thursday is Mick's, so that leaves Friday to sit around. It will be Friday though and who wants to be a loser sitting at home on a Friday night? 

Speak and Spell's are always fun! Actually, honestly, I can't tell you the last time I used one.

which was a response to:

From: ME to AT

Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 2:17 PM

Subject: Re: Moving again

but i wanna go out on thursday and possibly friday. you wanna come out? it's been a tradition (sort of) (atleast for my lush days of yore) to have the weeklong birthday - three days before and after. after that i fill my days with regret and wonder as to what happened. but actually, i'm gonna try to be more mature this birthday. try. 

you should come out. if it makes you feel more comfortable, i'll bring a speak and spell so it'll be like our email conversations. 

which was a response to:

From: AT to ME

Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2003 13:45:11 -0500

Subject: RE: Moving again

OMITTED PARAGRAPH ABOUT COMMON FRIEND WHO WAS CRAZY, FOLLOWED BY

are there any set birthday plans yet? 

which was a response to:

From: ME to AT

Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 8:55 AM

Subject: Re: Moving again

weekend was okay. my friend ashley's in from nyc this summer, and sat. night i had a small get together for her birthday - small like 6 people - at my house for her. pretty tame: included assorted hats, lots of beer, cupcakes, and an old new kids on the block video. sunday, went running, finished some designs at the office and realized i was still hungover so I came home and watched tv. ran 5 miles this weekend, though. so something was accomplished. next weekends gonna be crazy. you should come out. someone has a birthday...

which was a response to:

From: AT to ME

Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2003 08:50:20 -0500

Subject: RE: Moving again

BORING START

ventriloquest emails

i've been writing for a long time. always have thoughts stirring in my head in a melodic flow of good word combinations. one of the few things i am 100% confident about is my ability to put words together. of course, better written than said.

the approach has less potential for debilitating heartache. because even though you may be pouring your heart out, it's not face to face. but if by chance that feeling you convey is requited, there's that opportune chance to have this interchange that;s more salvageable by memory than a verbal conversation.

maybe it's that mentality, plus the convenience of email that has made me much more dependent on communicating feelings that i would otherwise hold inside through writing. where i can email someone, and have my wall down, but interpersonal communication with the voicebox with the same person doesn't appear as personal.

writing well, with these conveniences has thus, certain advantages and disadvantages.

advantage one:
go through advantages including best darn "break up" and to the opposite side, "i have feelings for you" letters; tell someone something about how you think about thinkgs without trailing into some random thought, and knowing that they;ll really truly get you... you can get close to someone without the physical things that get in the way and really fall for someone because you're falling for them....

funny interjections: writing break up letters for friends... writing love letters for friends...

disadvantages:
it's harder to get to know someone... feeds the ability to become an introvert...

book idea. more about writing. loving writing.... that kind of deal.

writing emails taught me how to type without looking at the keyboard way better than that stupid class in 8th grade....

CIRCA 2004.

waiting

something i found i wrote to myself while cleaning 5 years of emails - that i must have found in a journal, or even older email, and then emailed it to myself. i know the house i'm talking about and the roommates. this was either in reference to jesse or eric. 1998.

waiting around is like getting kicked in the belly repeatedly. especially when every one of your roommates is outside your window laughing at their own jokes as they tease the fraternity brothers on their way to the bar. they know you've been waiting, quietly brooding, and leave you alone. so you take out a cigarette and smoke it down to the butt, not realizing until you smell the nose hair beating odor of a burnt filter, that you've waited long enough to singe your finger. alas, your try at mingling with fate only works at restaurants when you want your food to arrive faster.

dining out has no parallel to this kind of sustenance you're craving. so then you try to start something, hoping to be interrupted. half a pack of camels later, when you finish that something, and the laughing has already walked to the bar, and though it's smoky with the stench of the miller lite he left in the fridge last night, your room is uncharacteristically clean, you realize, you've been waiting for nothing.

back to finding my center

i have to recoup. done with focusing on everyone else, when there are times they don't extend the courtesy of a response, like "sorry, i'm busy, i'll get back to you soon." but then they get pissy when you make alternate plans or arrangements or whatever, bc you didn't hear back from them.  

i'm tired of being disappointed by people, so i'm going to make myself better. so i can be satisfied with me.

went back to yoga tonight, and during savasana, i needed to make myself stop thinking about not being pretty enough, discourteous friends and shitty financial situations, so i tried to imagine a place of peace, and saw my mom, sitting on a porch swing, looking out at the sunset over the ocean. i think we might have been in the philippines. regardless, i think that's what i want to imagine in my moments of drama. when i need to step back and calm myself. remember what grace was. 

so... that's my focus. i need to power at it with intent. to find my center.

new year, new roomie, new resolutions

january 3: new roomie moves in. this will be different. i think the last non-boyfriend roommate i had were the girls from the white house... no, the house with jesse, philip, jamie and natalie... i know jesse was a boyfriend, but the others... those were the last roommates. 

hopefully it will be a good motivator. can't be as lazy as usual at home, when there's someone else here. i don't think. at least i hope not. :) maybe i'll read more. maybe i'll do a lot of things i need to do more. i guess these are "resolutions," but i can't hang their success on someone else of course. 

resolutions:

• eat better
• work out every day
• save money
• eliminate bad #1 (the fifteen year old bad habit) 
• go to church again on sundays... at least once a month
• write every day, or every week
• read one book a month... 
• hang out with sister+troy once a month
• hang out with family at least once every two months
• make 4 more good friends (new or make 4 acquaintances into better friends)
• visit mom & dad more
• write the book
• write more articles for good for grasshopper
• get the workshop write ups together

so, i guess some of those are more goals than resolutions. well, more really tasks. must do's rather than hope to do's... or maybe it's better to approach resolutions as tasks, so they get done. :/

we'll see.